everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
