i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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