i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
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