DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
