All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
