I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Vodka?
Forever.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
