my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Every concussion has its silver lining
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
