What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
