one two three fourrrrnication!
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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