the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
