I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
