We named our party play list daddy issues
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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