My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
This house was built for laser tag.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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