Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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