I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I CAN MOONWALK!
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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