my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
