I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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