My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
