he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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