it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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