I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
