I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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