I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
