There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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