Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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