He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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