Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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