When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Randomize
