when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
