How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
