So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
