this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
