i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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