Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
