just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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