i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
