I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
