Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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