just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
