you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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