I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
