i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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