Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
