Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
wow bdsm is so cute
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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