dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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