I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
