I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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