I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
