Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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