We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
