I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
