respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
