I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Randomize
