So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize