I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Randomize
