Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Naked. naked and bneed help.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
