my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
We named our party play list daddy issues
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
