If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
