i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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