I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize